Monday, October 17, 2011

This Ruffles My Hair, The Cat Can't Seem To Swear!

So the cat got into it the other day, with some big nut who just had to have his say. Sounded worse than that Drazin guy. Sadly that is not a lie. And when I went to let him have it. Turns out I could not have a fit. Must have came down with something, for the swear words just would not fling.

The Following is based on a true story.
(Do you really believe me? Never know it could be.)
And wham it! I can't go for the glory.

I saw this nice meat shop and figured I would have a snack. So I ducked down ready to go on the attack. The meat was just sitting there right on display, plus there was a ton and I figured he would not miss one or two slabs of it today. I guess I was wrong for that's when Mr. Chef Boyardee went on the attack singing his song.

He called me a flea ridden varmint and said I should scram before he hung me next to the rack of lamb. Well that I was not about to take, so I tried to insult the nut with a french accent that was obviously fake.

"You won't miss one little piece there Denise."

It's Dennis he cried out far and wide, acting like a royal peacock with each stride. It still sounded like Denise to me, which I admit caused me such glee.

"Well I'm taking one just for having to put up with your phony french bull tail ringing in my ears. Cheers!"

I grabbed a slab and went to run and noticed how I was getting a weird look from him and everyone. I knew I wasn't as strange, as the guy in the corner singing Home on the Range.

Then it hit me what I said, strat is all that would go through my head. But since that was Pat's made up word, I knew I would sound even more absurd. I could not leave in such a state. I had to get the insult off my plate.

"You are nothing but a mother kisser. Wham it! Mother Hugger, Mother Watcher, Mother Talker. Wham it! How could I become such a bad disser?"

He did seem to take offense to the watcher one. I guess that could come across as something insulting if compared to a Peeping Tom or someone. But that was not good enough. It was time I got rough.

"Alright you lollipop sucker. Son of an itcher. Bass Fisher. Shhhow me the money. Strat! How about you just look funny?"

He quickly became Chef Smiley Face, loving that I could not put him in his place. I let my anger rise. In hindsight that probably was not wise.

"You tootise roll licker! Apple eater! Country Slicker! Brick! Duck! Rock! Custard! Rich! Fun loving cat! Silly Strat!"

He laughed harder at me and I figured my only thing to do was flee. But as I ran out the door, his laughing turned to shouting as he ran across the floor. For I did get the last laugh on him. For he thought I was dim while I snuck more meat on my tray and dragged it off as I made my getaway.

I guess the Face it Facts of this tale are quite simple, if you cannot flirt with some cute dimple. There is no need to abuse, just go ahead and confuse. They will think you are funny and you really do get more honey. Just make sure you can run really fast or pick a Chef that is shall we say vast. In case you are lost that means he has a large mass. Now I must go enjoy my spoils so see you later from my little rhyming a....a....as....(smiles) ass.

Later all, have a nice fall.

37 comments:

  1. What a delightfully refreshing blog. Thanks for stopping at mine. RE the "post option" from my post.... you have to remember to hit save after you've picked the time.
    Manzanita@Wannabuyaduck

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  2. Taking on a vegetarian diet might have saved you in your fight with Chef Boyardee...but since the damage was already done you could have always insulted his ketchup flavored pasta! I mean, who actually like Spaghetti-Os?

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  3. This is great. Excellent work buddy, keep it up.

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  4. Refreshing I can be and mayeb a bit scary
    Or at least a tad nutty
    But it is all fun
    As I go about each and every one

    hahaha The cat will eat anything
    But if I took away his meat pain he would bring
    I'd have no legs left on me
    Yeah Spaghetti-Os no one likes to see

    Will keep it up as always as I go
    On about this and that at my show

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  5. With bass fisher and tootsie roll licker I am now prepared to for tonight and sparring with the kids.

    LMF's comment is right on--no, no on the Spaghetti Os.

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  6. If you had called him dear
    I would have taken fear
    that you were spending too much time at the zoo
    and I was rubbing off on you!

    A vegetarian cat I cannot see
    you would become way too skinny!

    So you were trying to impress a cute girl with dimples
    and you thought it would be quite simple
    but your tongue got tied and words lost
    still she thought you were charming after all?

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  7. oh! And you've inspired Betsy to rhyme. Some of the time.

    OK, stolen from Princess Bride. Hope you enjoyed the Chef-boy... ride? :D <3

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  8. It was like the cat in the hat.. for older kids.

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  9. LOL! Now I'll have some awesome one-liners to tell my husband :0)

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  10. haha such a bad disser indeed, spaghetti-os were the thing back in the day, but lost their taste somewhere along the way, salad for the rest of your life, well as long as it is yours and not mine, we might be fine..

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  11. hahaha glad I could prepare you for your banter with the kids
    Hopefully no ones hears and flips their lids

    I thought of dear
    But it just wouldn't come off my tongue I fear
    I guess to me that was a dirty word too
    So it's safe with you
    Yes the cat only eating rabbit food
    I think he'd find it quite rude
    No there was no girl there
    Pat or the cat doesn't lie, I swear
    At least not too much
    Maybe just a touch..haha

    Betsy rhymes almost all the time
    I think the inspiration had past by my 100th chime
    And now she's just addictied
    Or a tad conflicted..haha

    I cat run 50 of those off in a day
    So the cat in the hat can always have fun at my bay

    hahaha oh that would be quite the sight
    Seeing you use those on him day or night

    Yes bad bad disser
    Should have just smacked him in the kisser
    Never ate those things
    Just looking stomach pains it brings
    No the cat will never go vegan I'd say
    Or he would be in a state of disarry

    Damn you back
    Look I can swear again at my shack..haha

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  12. Those of us (and of course I'm including you as part of "us") with more extensive vocabularies only need to swear for effect, since we can be creative enough to insult others without resorting to profanity. It's more entertaining for the people witnessing the exchange, too.

    A friend of mine goes out of her way to avoid swearing, so much so that it sounds silly. The kind of person who says things like "Oh, fudgesicles!"

    A few weeks ago, she and I were in traffic, and she reacted to another driver who went halfway off the road to pass her on the right by saying "Jumpin' Judas! Could you go a little faster? Holy..." and then she paused.

    I told her "After 'jumpin' Judas," you can get away with saying 'Holy shit,' okay?"

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  13. hahaha yeah it's more fun to insult them when they don't get it right away
    And watch the confusion play
    Then ten minutes later it will finally sink in
    And you'll be gone, what a sin..haha
    Yes after Jumpin Judas, Holy shit would be fine
    That's not crossing a line
    Yeah you can include me too
    As it can easily be guessed by you
    That I have some weird ones I use
    To confuse and abuse..haha

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  14. I'm writing a few of these down!

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  15. hahaha I've created something bad
    Might make some mad
    Or sad
    But fun will be had

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  16. Definetly sounds like a true story! Probably happens all the time!

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  17. My sources say that Chef Boyardee
    was not so friendly.
    He was into cooking people....
    What a mother hugger!!

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  18. Yeah it must happen every day
    The meat just gets up and run away

    Ewww that is a rather nasty fact
    Just a mother kisser act
    That lollipop sucker
    Must have been a closet psycho trucker

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  19. I prefer polite fitless kitties, it must be one of my own,
    since I raise only posh felines with all manners in public shown ;)

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  20. You are nothing but a mother kisser. - I have to steal this one xd

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  21. That's one sly cat
    Who can't insult
    But does quite well when time to bolt
    He gets his meat
    And eats it too
    Let's just hope that
    Fat Chef won't sue.

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  22. I don't even know how you do it. I picture you waking up every day and start reading the dictionary just to know more and more and more words to rhyme with hahaha rhyme freak!

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  23. Mother Watcher sounds worse that mother f***er.

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  24. Pat, fun piece, had the elements of an old misplaced folktale, moral and all. Very fun indeed. Poor Orlin lost his Hiss. So I guess all the excitement from all that savory meat just made him lose his ability to properly concentrate on the swedish chef, or boyadee-lol Great job, thanks

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  25. Well, tongue tied is better than one
    that is sweaty, hon. (or hun, as you say! ha.)
    Just remember if you say she's sweet
    to spell it with both e's.
    because if you say she's sweat
    you'll be stuck at home with your cat.
    lol....

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  26. Yep, addicted,
    conflicted.
    I'll stay and rhyme til I'm evicted.
    ha.

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  27. haha I guess our kitties would no get along
    As with Orlin and Miss Priss their manners are all wrong

    haha mother kisser could be very bad too
    Depending on the umm things you umm do

    Yes so harsh
    I should get lost in a marsh

    Well if the fat chef does sue
    Won't find much to take at my zoo
    Maybe a left over bone or two
    Or a bush with a crack for him to view..haha

    Sounds more creepy at least
    But both could prob be construed as a beast

    Yeah it just came about
    And I had to give it a shout
    As I went all rhyme and play
    The chef and the meat just made Orlin go into dissaray

    haha yes I suppose that is true
    Sweat dripping off would be eww
    Strat why'd you have to go and reveal that
    Wait! That's on Pat not the cat
    Of course the cat would like Pat stuck home
    So maybe he'd make Pat's lips foam

    Bah you won't be evicited from bush number three
    After all you give nice trap ideas to me..haha

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  28. I was going to say you're barking mad
    But you have a feline, not canine fad
    I love your blog as it's rhyming crazy
    You are definitely not wordsmith lazy
    All things cats are my thang too
    So I am a new follower for you.

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  29. Your blog is awesome. My head would explode if I had to rhyme everything.

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  30. I've read several of your last few posts Pat, and I enjoyed them. You are truly gifted. And sorry, rhyming is not my thing, but I love reading your's here. I will not even attempt to emulate.

    Thanks for making my acquaintance :)

    ..........dhole

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  31. All these rhymes have blown my mind. You cats are crazy! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I love the cats/earth logo. Cool beans.

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  32. Oh look at that
    Quite the rhyme impressing the cat
    Yes not a butt sniffing mutt
    Here at my rhyming hut
    And even though I'm a tad crazy
    Can be anything but lazy..haha

    haha we wouldn't want you to be headless
    That would just leave quite the mess

    Not all rhyme as I do
    Thanks for the comment from you
    Glad you enjoyed that rant and rave
    I gave at my little rhyming cave

    haha oh you never know
    For all around you there is a rhyming flow

    Cats are crazy indeed
    Here are our feed
    But we don't care
    Going on a tear
    Cool beans we are too
    Just don't ask us to eat any of that or a fit is due..haha

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  33. Very pell-mell work, Pat. Thank you for sharing. And I side with Gareth: if not for the rhyming, you'd have gotten away with it!

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  34. haha the rhyming had to be done
    It made Chef Fake Accent run

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