Sunday, December 4, 2011

Have You Heard The News? It Could Give You The Blues!

The cat searched far and wide today and instead of the usual display, the cat is going to give the best news of the day. And that's right folks, you heard it here first at my bay.

It seems a new disease has cropped up among you humans everywhere. This I just had to share. For everyone with a tattoo is susceptible to such a thing. It supposedly only hurts as much as a bee sting. Actiplopholitis is the name and it may sound not so tame. But studies have found those with tattoo ink have a slightly higher risk of developing a wild wink. Yeah, that is right. Your eye will constantly blink day and night. Not twitch or itch, but blink wildly and out of control. There was also a recent poll and in it scientists found the left eye was most affected while the right seemed protected. Imagine how annoying that would be? One eye blinking uncontrollably and another normally. How would you even see?

There is also a new wave about to hit your spam box very soon. The cat just learned this afternoon that the people behind pills, that increase size to give you thrills, have adopted the re-use philosophy. This could really screw up monogamy. It seems they are tired of just getting the rat dung to add to each pill, yes that is what many use, take a break if you feel ill. Now they are releasing jumbo sized condoms that increase length as well. But in the instructions they tell you to make sure the rat's face is pointed at the opposite end. I guess some could still be alive in there that they send.

This one just caught my eye. Thanks in part to Hollywood Spy. Yeah, that Dezmond guy. I should really send those penguins back before he starts to cry. It seems a semi-famous actress is dating a semi-famous actor and they are going to make their semi-famous shows do a crossover on Fear Factor. They think for some strange reason by committing this treason, their semi-famous will turn to complete fame and even the muffin man will know their name. But who really gets famous from reality TV? You humans truly can't be that silly? Oh wait! Many are so brain dead if they can dance a jig you think they are great. Now now don't hate. I just give the news to you straight.

Also a five foot tall person who regularly visits here seems to have conquered her fear. She rode in an elevator and made it out alive. The elevator did not take a nose dive. She also met a man on that dating website who she thought about all night. But then she tempted fate while on her second date. She reached into that vending machine which was so scary it always made her turn green. Then her biggest fear came true, she got sucked out of view. The vending machine ate her. Oh the B movies this will spur.

Some late breaking news has just come due. Someone has stolen the mudslide at the Bronx zoo. That poor hippo and giraffe are in complete and utter disarray. At first the cops travelled to Betsy's place but could not find a trace. I guess her zoo animals were too clean for mud. So they went to a bar and sucked on a Bud. That's a beer for all of those with gutter on the mind. Thanks to the TV their case was no longer in a bind. It seems the Yankees stole it to slide into third base. After coming up short all these years they had egg on their face. So they needed the mud to slide more and avoid the yolk of an encore.

And now a few snippets from around Globland that never made quite the splash before my little rhyming ass takes a dash:

- it seems someone gets his kicks from frilly underwear and he has more than one pair.
- pie plates break when your sink becomes a lake. By trying to get your feet up it seems you break more things than a cup. That's the real truth for you. Who knew?
- such vivid dreams like that of Hell might get you your own padded cell.
- buy some kissing balls for $21.99 and get some blue balls to tingle your spine.
- music with a beat may seem like a treat. But it could turn you into the hulk so many decide to listen to the stuff that makes you sulk.
- bloody wanker does not refer to a nose bleeding banker.
- driving over people is still a crime in most states. No matter the dire straits.
- by thinking you're Zeus you may offend a moose.
- one way to get over writers block is to not submerge your ballcock.
- "Ditto" does not make you festive although it may be a tad suggestive.

And that is all the news facts for the day. If any of this caused you dismay. Thank Anne for the idea she gave the cat, to give you the best news ever at my mat. Oh, and one final thing at my rack. If you go near a bush with a crack a cat might attack. Any news like this you wish to pass? After all, not all is heard by my little rhyming ass.

Later all, have a nice fall.

41 comments:

  1. The news here stumped me specially on the line
    re-use philosophy, kissing balls and writer's block ~

    Ditto ~

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  2. Look at you beating your twin
    I guess today you win

    When does the news ever make sense?
    They just give their two cents
    And ditto nice
    I'll ditto twice..haha

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  3. hahaha No dirty animals at my zoo
    but that I think you already knew.
    And no ugly toenails
    all are soaked, not in pails
    but the kitchen sink
    which doesn't stink
    Yeah, pie plates break
    and a mess they can make
    But I'll clean it up
    and pour another coffee cup.

    Kissing balls are on my mind
    and not why you might think, so be kind.
    but 'mistletoe' is the theme for CT
    and I need to draw one for all to see.

    Now I want to know who is connected to that frilly underwear.
    Does he collect each pair
    or wear it on a dare?

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  4. Pat I love Dezmond site. Is fun:)
    and love all the things Betsy bought and in my kitchen always someone (me) break plates by accident and I feel sorry but when you whash plates these things happens:)
    Have a nice day:)

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  5. Pat Hatt is a talent. He is just so gallant. Great post from a great user, in a fight I bet you're a bruiser.

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  6. In a fight he's a bruiser?
    Yeah, he wouldn't fight fair. No sir.
    He wouldn't throw fists or kick with his shoe
    He fling Pringle cans full of poo.

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  7. Hey that Rob and Amber got famous from Survivors !
    I love Rob :p

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  8. haha yes that I knew
    Nothing dirty there it's true
    That's why they cops left you be
    And got they stinking Yankees
    Yeah I will be kind
    With my little rhyming behind
    As I know what they are
    But others could be confused by far
    So had to use
    Just to abuse
    Sure you will draw one easily
    With a bird in the tree
    Who knows who is connected to that
    Sources would have to be divulged by the cat
    And we can't have that one bit
    Then the new wouldn't be a hit..haha

    Yeah things break all the time
    Dez and Betsy well at least one can rhyme
    The guy with the penguins not so much
    But he has news about movies in Dutch

    hahaha a bruiser
    Sure I'll pull a Fox and steal a PT Cruiser
    Then run the person down
    And flee town..haha

    Fighting is illegal, in most cases
    So flinging poo in faces
    Is fine by me
    Since the word "fair" doesn't really apply you see

    Bah I'll pretend I never heard that
    Ewwwww to reality tv at my mat..haha

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  9. Watching monkeys fling their poo is funny, have to admit. As long as its not coming my way.

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  10. LOL! Now I'm terrified to get a tattoo. Poor Cade, he's awfully susceptible ;)

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  11. I love this! So i do thank Anne. You had me laughing all the way through it.

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  12. kissing balls...i am afraid to google, for what i might see give a wiggle, wink wink wink, stop and think, this stinks i cant hardly see and whats the deal you winking at me, and betsys thinking of them under mistletoe, oh how far the rumors will go, or grow and no pill needed, what with the news our sanity has receded if you didnt catch it the first time here i'll repeat it, kissing balls...i am afraid to google, for what i might see give a wiggle, wink wink wink, stop and think, this stinks i cant hardly see and whats the deal you winking at me, and betsys thinking of them under mistletoe, oh how far the rumors will go, or grow and no pill needed, what with the news our sanity has receded, if i keep repeating it might get deleted, so i will just say have a wonderful day, okay

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  13. I can't rhyme, I speak Dutch and you connect me somehow with horrid reality shows???? Pats are we talking about the same me, or is there a me that me doesn't know about? :)
    Methinks me penguins will receive a destroy-the-place-of-your-current-whereabouts-by-using-stinky-bombs order right away ;)

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  14. Now these are the types of stories they should be talking about on the so-called newscasts. The zeus to moose was too good for the cat to pass, as it rhymes and it is bound for laughs, many crazy tales out in the blogosphere, but I guess if no one knows about them, Do they really exist? In which case I applaud the cat for his diligence done, spreading crazy and weird tales all and one, spreading cheer through the oddities that realities spun. Not sure the liberties taken if any at all, well perhaps the yankee one, but with those pocketbooks I guess anything can be done, but sure enough, in any case, these yarns hear sparked a laugh in me.

    Except for the eye twitch thing, I have too many issues already, I need not another one--As I look at my tattoo contemptuously-lol Great fun Pat, thanks

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  15. lol...Brian read my comment and his brain got stuck
    wouldn't be phased if hit by a truck
    can't get that image out of his head
    and is repeating phrases until he is dead.
    hahaha.

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  16. Yes they do have pretty good aim
    So some that aren't tame
    Might try to flind poo
    At you, that is just ewww

    hahaha yes be scared indeed
    Lots of blinking my follow so take heed

    Glad I got a laugh right through
    Guess fake is better than true..haha

    Wow Betsy is right
    You really got hung up on the kissing balls sight
    Although some winking got thrown in
    To maybe a bit of play in the gutter bin
    Surprised you only repeated it in one
    I guess the first was already won
    Wink wink wink
    Drives me right to drink..haha

    hahahahaha I knew I'd get a rise out of you
    With that little bit of rhyme come due
    The you that doesn't know you was good
    Copyright that you should
    The cats will give the penguins a go
    And whack their stinky bombs back to your show

    Zeus and Moose rhymed up a storm
    So that worked well with the norm
    Yeah crappy news is a pain
    So I found a better news train
    Many, Many liberties were taken
    As most of the news I was fakin'
    At least in one form or another I guess
    With my news mess
    Yeah the eye would be a pain
    Might even make you pop an eye vein

    Yeah he surely got stuck
    With his kissing balls upchuck
    Repeating phrases about them that long
    Is just all wrong..haha

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  17. i also have more than one pair
    of that essential article underwear
    but i won't share exactly how many are in great condition
    i'm so broke it's like i'm paying tuition.

    (that's not such a good one but hey, that's all i got:)

    hysterical, man. great stuff.

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  18. Betsy and Brian are having far too much fun here.

    No fun for me, though, if I can't run people down.

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  19. ballcock?! HAHA. Now I've heard everything. I think I might have to steal that one for future insults/hilarity.

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  20. These are all so legit, I read most of them just yesterday on the local newspaper. Yep.

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  21. Well I must agree that it was not so good at all
    Not because I didn't enjoy your rhyme at my hall
    But because you mentioned tuition in your cheer
    That made me think of std loans I fear
    Just plain ewwww
    How could you..hahahaha

    Awww poor Fox
    Maybe you can switch to throwing rocks

    haha it's a real thing too
    A ballcock exists in back the loo
    And steal away
    Doesn't bother me at my bay

    Wow thanks for backing me up
    I'm sure most thought it was fake as they read and drank from their coffee cup

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  22. Yeah, Silver...throwing rocks,
    or socks.

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  23. So you're tell me the tattoo of Thumper on my butt wasn't such a good idea after all? I'm sure my father would agree . . . except I don't think he knows it's there. :D

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  24. @Betsy: Rocks can hurt, but throwing socks? They're just flimsy things that can get knocked off of you.

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  25. Maybe rocks in socks
    That could break some locks

    hahahaha geez your aren't shy about spreading it here
    Yes it might end up giving you a winking fit I fear

    Not if the socks are frozen ones
    Or fill with what you have left after the runs

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  26. That'd be deadlier than poo-filled Pringle's cans!

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  27. hahaha yeah I think it would
    As explode it could
    Pringle cans the top would have to come off
    Either though would be enough to make one scoff

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  28. LMAO!!! This just made my entire night! Hey now...I would so see a movie with a haunted vending machine. It would confirm my irrational fear of them. lol!!

    To make it worse now, I'm afraid to leave my horse tomorrow morning. I just spent the entire night thinking about Zeus!! Think of all the mooses that are going to be waiting for me. I'll be trampled alive. Sigh...

    love this post! Brilliant...hahaha

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  29. anddd by "horse" I mean "house".

    I just got awful images of Ace Ventura leaving a rhino. Sigh...

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  30. hahaha glad I could make your night
    You never know we could see such a fright
    When the board game movies where out
    They may give scary vending machines a shout
    LOL what a mistake that was
    Horse has such a nice buzz
    And mooses is just moose
    Unlike geese and goose
    You just offended them more
    Better be able to throw thunderbolts galore..hahahaha
    Calling my post brillant too
    Oh how nice of you

    hahaha Ace Ventura reference too
    That horse err umm house was a fun mistake to do

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  31. Well it's a good thing I'm not getting a tattoo any time soon.

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  32. How do you get on a moose's good side?

    Of all the things for me to offend...You couldn't have made it an offended fruit fly? It had to be something that is difficult to make plural and is the size of a house...thankss

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  33. Glad it was eloqunetly stated
    And was not hated

    Yes that is a good thing
    Lots of random blinking it could bring

    hahaha oh that moose, those moose, moose's
    Are really more annoying then goose's
    Errr ummm geese
    Hell it should just be meese
    But now that you offended the huge beast
    You better hope on bugs it does not feast
    Or your car may look like a great dish
    Maybe you should carry around some fish
    And any time
    The moose like me because I can rhyme..haha

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  34. That can't be true
    About the great Bronx Zoo.
    Without a muddy slide,
    Where's an animal to hide?

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  35. "pie plates break when your sink becomes a lake"

    This is advice I will pass down to my grandchildren.

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  36. I don't know
    Maybe a river will flow
    And they can jump in
    Hiding as they pretend to have a fin

    hahaha yep no blinking wink for you
    Will ever come due

    Geez rhyme time advice will live forever
    Aren't I just so clever

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  37. I used to remember a girl back in my class, she used to blink a LOT, she was the top of our class. How this relates to any of this? I don't know.

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  38. haha maybe she had one too many tattoo's
    Or was winking for you to follow the clues

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