The cat searched far and wide today and instead of the usual display, the cat is going to give the best news of the day. And that's right folks, you heard it here first at my bay.
It seems a new disease has cropped up among you humans everywhere. This I just had to share. For everyone with a tattoo is susceptible to such a thing. It supposedly only hurts as much as a bee sting. Actiplopholitis is the name and it may sound not so tame. But studies have found those with tattoo ink have a slightly higher risk of developing a wild wink. Yeah, that is right. Your eye will constantly blink day and night. Not twitch or itch, but blink wildly and out of control. There was also a recent poll and in it scientists found the left eye was most affected while the right seemed protected. Imagine how annoying that would be? One eye blinking uncontrollably and another normally. How would you even see?
There is also a new wave about to hit your spam box very soon. The cat just learned this afternoon that the people behind pills, that increase size to give you thrills, have adopted the re-use philosophy. This could really screw up monogamy. It seems they are tired of just getting the rat dung to add to each pill, yes that is what many use, take a break if you feel ill. Now they are releasing jumbo sized condoms that increase length as well. But in the instructions they tell you to make sure the rat's face is pointed at the opposite end. I guess some could still be alive in there that they send.
This one just caught my eye. Thanks in part to Hollywood Spy. Yeah, that Dezmond guy. I should really send those penguins back before he starts to cry. It seems a semi-famous actress is dating a semi-famous actor and they are going to make their semi-famous shows do a crossover on Fear Factor. They think for some strange reason by committing this treason, their semi-famous will turn to complete fame and even the muffin man will know their name. But who really gets famous from reality TV? You humans truly can't be that silly? Oh wait! Many are so brain dead if they can dance a jig you think they are great. Now now don't hate. I just give the news to you straight.
Also a five foot tall person who regularly visits here seems to have conquered her fear. She rode in an elevator and made it out alive. The elevator did not take a nose dive. She also met a man on that dating website who she thought about all night. But then she tempted fate while on her second date. She reached into that vending machine which was so scary it always made her turn green. Then her biggest fear came true, she got sucked out of view. The vending machine ate her. Oh the B movies this will spur.
Some late breaking news has just come due. Someone has stolen the mudslide at the Bronx zoo. That poor hippo and giraffe are in complete and utter disarray. At first the cops travelled to Betsy's place but could not find a trace. I guess her zoo animals were too clean for mud. So they went to a bar and sucked on a Bud. That's a beer for all of those with gutter on the mind. Thanks to the TV their case was no longer in a bind. It seems the Yankees stole it to slide into third base. After coming up short all these years they had egg on their face. So they needed the mud to slide more and avoid the yolk of an encore.
And now a few snippets from around Globland that never made quite the splash before my little rhyming ass takes a dash:
- it seems someone gets his kicks from frilly underwear and he has more than one pair.
- pie plates break when your sink becomes a lake. By trying to get your feet up it seems you break more things than a cup. That's the real truth for you. Who knew?
- such vivid dreams like that of Hell might get you your own padded cell.
- buy some kissing balls for $21.99 and get some blue balls to tingle your spine.
- music with a beat may seem like a treat. But it could turn you into the hulk so many decide to listen to the stuff that makes you sulk.
- bloody wanker does not refer to a nose bleeding banker.
- driving over people is still a crime in most states. No matter the dire straits.
- by thinking you're Zeus you may offend a moose.
- one way to get over writers block is to not submerge your ballcock.
- "Ditto" does not make you festive although it may be a tad suggestive.
And that is all the news facts for the day. If any of this caused you dismay. Thank Anne for the idea she gave the cat, to give you the best news ever at my mat. Oh, and one final thing at my rack. If you go near a bush with a crack a cat might attack. Any news like this you wish to pass? After all, not all is heard by my little rhyming ass.
Later all, have a nice fall.