Monday, July 23, 2012

Fifty Shades Of Smut Is The Equivalent Of What Comes Out My Butt!

Actually that is an insult to the cat's poo, which is sad but true. I'll try to stray from the loo but sadly this is where this thing belongs between me and you. For it is the equivalent of watching Barney, cleaning the litter and walking behind the pink curtain to see more than the wizard. Yeah, those images together are quite the blizzard. But let's back up a bit as I continue this ranting fit.

So Anne and Blabber wondered what a guys perspective on the smut book would be a while back at her sea. And yesterday from all the comments below many seemed to have their hatred grow. I had the thing in a drawer, stopping because it was quite the bore. But said the hell with it and speed read through it yesterday for a bit. Well let's just say I'd rather watch The Fountain than ever again climb such a mountain. As that is what it felt like, I was on a damn hike. With all kinds of things in my path and that I was suffering someones wrath. As it took all my will to push on. And what I found, was it is one big ass long con!

Once more it is all about shock factor, which seems to be a stupid person attractor. No other way to put it. To read that thing and enjoy it you either have to have very low wit, be very very very hard up to get a thrill on with yourself, meaning you have no internet connection to look up the other stuff at your shelf or you are simply reading it because you want to relate to the other millions who had such an atrocious fate. Batman & Robin would be a pleasure to the eyes. Heck, I'd even take a movie about killer french fries.

Now it resides in the litter box, I hope that doesn't curl your socks. For take a good whiff and you will like it if:

1. You like mind numbing crap about some useless gal and chap.
2. You get a thrill from having one lose all free will.
3. You like to get smacked around. Pat quickly cut lose one of those at my ground.
4. You like Twilight. Then your future already isn't very bright and neither are you. Sad, but true.
5. You are the author of the thing, as listen to the greed bells ring.
6. Your IQ is one step behind a drunk, doped up, half bred, butt sniffing, monkey. Plus you smell rather funky.
7. You are in jail with no hope of bail.
8. You have ran out of toilet paper at your sea. Then it may even delight me.
9. You need something to start a fire. But only if things are dire.
10. You need to write a blog post about how bad it is. But trust me, you are better off throwing it on the ground, yanking down your pants and on it, taking a good, long, much needed whiz.

Well when something is so far down the gutter the only thing that can touch it is loo talk, I guess I have to pick up the chalk and use it at my sea, not that it really ever bothers me. So there is my review and look Blabber, I even did a great list for you. As well as a rant. I think I'd rather go eat an ant. Or even watch Spiderman 3, Shrek 3, X-Men 3, Die Hard 4 and Indiana Jones 4 all at the same time at my shore. Be more worth while any day, no matter their horrid display. So to the stupid dimwit Fifty Shades of Smut loving mass, you can all get up close and sniff, spank and even get strat on, hey if it's in your contract it is okay, by my little rhyming ass.

Fill your rummer, get drunk all summer.

77 comments:

  1. This is the greatest post I've ever read Pat, 50 Shades of Grey definitely deserves put in the litter box, this is incredible and makes me really wanna show it off to all of the people I know who are obsessed with the book, amazing stuff Pat haha, love it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha yeah they can take that book
      And grab it nice and firm at their nook
      Then shove it up their gazoo
      Or flush it down the loo

      Delete
  2. the book wouldn't be my cup of tea
    I'd rather sit and write poetry
    and read blogs of people like thee!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah a much better choice
      In one you can rejoice

      Delete
  3. I would not read 50 shades on a train

    I shall not read it on a plane

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hopefully not in a car
      And if you see it, you bury it in tar

      Delete
    2. I would not read it in a box

      I would not read it wearing socks!

      Delete
    3. Well I did to give a review
      And I'd rather clean cat poo

      Delete
  4. I refuse to read it simply because of all the hype. And, if you're saying it's anything like Twilight, then I'm definitely out!!! Thanks for taking the bullet on this one LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL yes quite the bullet it was
      And a bunch of crap about the buzz
      Just as bad as that twilight crap
      Which all needs to take a dirt nap

      Delete
    2. Don't waste your money on this Elsie. You're a good writer and shouldn't subject yourself to this drivel.

      Delete
    3. No one should
      Sadly many do though as they are dumber than wood

      Delete
    4. Anne, you are far to kind. I may put a teaser of my first two chapters up on blog for a "real" opinion but I'm to chicken shit LOL

      Delete
    5. Bah don't be a chicken shit
      You're already a one eyed ummm eeejit hahahaha

      Delete
  5. LMAO...a rant and a list? I should make you read smut more often. hahahahaha

    Come now...it wasn't THAT bad!!! I have to say though, it was juicy, but it certainly wasn't as scandalous as everyone made it seem. I'm not sure what that says about me, though...hahahahaha

    I enjoyed the first book, but I couldn't bring myself to finish the series. I thought the characters were unrealistic and I hate Christian Grey. Although, if there was a spin off about Elliot, I would totally read it!!! lol

    Thanks for playing along, cat. It's been fun to read a cat & man's review on Fifty Shades of Grey!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO the last time I read smut suggested from you
      Even if your lawyer reads them all the way through hahahaha
      Oh it is a load of crap
      That must take a dirt nap
      It's nothing I haven't heard before
      But still obvious it is being used for shock factor to sell some more
      The characters were pathetic in every way
      Some one dimensional sesame street characters I will say
      Heck Big Bird
      Prob isn't as absurd
      Don't give them any ideas at all
      With a spin off at any hall
      No need for any more of that smut
      In anyones hut

      The cat will always play once or twice
      But never said he would be nice hahaha

      Delete
  6. That was the greatest review ever!! Totally had me laughing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha glad I could get a smile
      As I have to warn all never ever to take such a reading mile

      Delete
  7. I read through this entire post just applauding, and now my hands are sore. The title made me laugh out loud.

    Also, I need to use that line on someone, that if you like Twilight, your future isn't very bright, and neither are you. It's such a stinging insult AND it rhymes, which adds to the punch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL sorry about the hands
      But this thing should be buried in some far far away lands
      haha yeah will have to put that somewhere
      For all to see at my lair
      Should be fun to insult those Twilight crazy loons
      As they have less brain cells than baboons

      Delete
  8. Very interesting review
    Thanks for the warning of this book from you
    No time to read at my zoo anyway
    but this book would probably not end up at my bay.
    Although we always need more toilet paper
    but those pages would be rather rough, my dear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah they'd only do in a pinch
      And might make one the Grinch
      So better off just letting the cats have at it
      And chewing it up bit by bit

      Delete
    2. Nugget loves to chew books
      might have to let him have a look!

      Delete
    3. Well it's one he should chew
      As soon as it is in view

      Delete
  9. it amazes me sometimes the books that catch on...i felt the same of the twilight series...which i felt was not really well written at all...have not read much of this...i flipped through it at the bookstore enough to know it was just to titilate lonely housewives

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah that is about all it is
      To titilate and such biz
      Flipping through it is enough
      And yeah the Twilight crap is a bunch of fluff

      Delete
  10. I was at the book shop earlier today,
    50 shades boldly on display.

    I'm amazed at how popular this book has become, even here, where people are supposed to be (ahem)conservative.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess they will sell it anywhere
      At any lair
      Even by the pair
      At a conservative fair

      Delete
  11. I actuTally looked at this piece of crap because so many women were singing it's praises. And I said to myself "Jesus Christ, if this thing represents what young women want, I'm glad I'm old" The popularity of shite like this just shows how well the media has succeeded in the dumbing down of society.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Piece of crap is really putting it nicely for that piece of crap
      Need to make it take a dirt nap
      And yeah sad day indeed
      When out so many peoples yaps this tends to bleed

      Delete
  12. I'll read 50 shades anywhere
    I'll just get it over with
    If it's too much to bear
    Get another and make a switch

    Hank

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah throw it in the trash
      Don't even give it a flash
      As it is too much to bear
      Better off staring at your underwear

      Delete
  13. Shows you have great taste, Pat. I have no desire to read this. A writer friend thought the premise of violence against women and women putting up with it was atrocious. She declared that's not romance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well it surely shows it
      Way more than a bit
      A bunch of crap
      Should be blown off the map

      Delete
    2. Hmmm...didn't even know about the violence part
      that just sends it off the charts
      I thought it was just a bunch of smut!
      Anyone who promotes this book is thinking with their butt.
      Gosh...I'm sounding like you
      yes, admit it, it's true.
      ha.

      Delete
    3. hahaha next you'll be saying poo
      But I'm trying to make that less come due
      Although something did find me once more
      When I was at that other shore
      But we'll get there later at my sea
      And oh yeah it promotes violence with glee
      Of course it's just a book
      But still pathetic they use it as a hook

      Delete
  14. Such a hilarious line LOL!!!
    "You like Twilight. Then your future already isn't very bright and neither are you. Sad, but true."

    So many people around here have Twilight stickers all over their cars. Why? Why? Sigh . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha all over their car?
      Wow, you better get some tar
      And cover them up with ease
      Blame it on an army of fleas

      Delete
    2. lmao
      At least I never read or saw Twilight... lol

      Delete
    3. That is one plus
      But you did make me kick up this fuss

      Delete
  15. I sneaked a peek in the book store,
    but it was an incredible bore.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep that is surely the truth
      Except for maybe some old housewive named Ruth

      Delete
  16. ....blogger won't let me reply to you....

    LMAO @ My lawyer reading them through. hahahaha He loves the whole series!! He read the whole damn series. I can't... hahahah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blogger does that to me at your sea all the time
      Stupid thing would let me give a reply chime
      And yeah that is really sad
      He needs a woman really bad hahahaha

      Delete
  17. you had me at The Fountain! ha. Man, can't believe this stuff is so popular. Just go on redtube ladies...save yourself the time/money!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah that is wise advice
      Even for mice
      So sad
      But I guess it makes them glad

      Delete
  18. I saw this book lying on a table
    My boss said, "Turn it over, if you're able.
    Because, don't you know that it's smut?"
    I looked at her and said, "Tut, tut.
    I was a sailor, don't you see?
    Nothing much shocks me."
    So, I flipped a page and what'd I see?
    The word "nipple" as plain as could be.
    I figured to give Mrs. P a chore:
    See if she could find it at the store.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow look what smut can do
      Brought out a huge rhyme from you
      And yeah I don't much shocks you too
      And nipple is there it is true
      But whoopdi friggin doo
      Some people need to wake up and get a clue

      Delete
  19. Replies
    1. haha sure she had a ball
      I'd throw it in the nearest bathroom stall

      Delete
  20. I've been reading a lot of negative reviews of this book. :P Definitely not going to read it . . . though the fact it's Twilight fan fiction made me pretty sure it wasn't something I'd pick up when I first heard of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha yeah avoid it at all cost
      If you see it make it get lost

      Delete
  21. Appropriate sequel to your commentary yesterday! I can't believe such garbage is a best seller. Cat had the right idea - throw it in the litter box and defecate on it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha yep the litterbox is where it belongs
      And get buried in poo the size of Donkey Kong's

      Delete
  22. I was actually curious about it....wanted to go to Chapters to quickly see what is all the fuss. But since your review is not any good, then I won't bother.

    Have a good night Pat ~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad I saved you the trip
      For this thing is about as good as throwing out a hip

      Delete
  23. I have not read it. I promise.

    Though the thought of given a book that I really distaste a golden shower does have evil appeal...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha the appeal is a good feeling
      Go for it as you surely won't be reeling

      Delete
  24. I will not read it if I'm all alone.

    I will not read it in my home.

    I will not read in my bed.

    I will not read it before I'm dead.

    But if my wife wants to read it and get turned on.
    I will let her read it and take me on!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is the right way to be
      Never ever read it at your sea
      And it may be a bit of a cheat
      But only a little worse than something like meet and meat

      Delete
  25. I think the litter box is a great place for it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah that is where all of them should go
      And use them as fertilizer to make things grow

      Delete
  26. haha- I haven't read it but EVERYONE is talking about how awful it is, pretty funny. I will probably get around to reading it here and again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pfft never get around to it
      Better off digging a big pit
      And chucking it in
      Then sucking back some gin

      Delete
  27. Die Hard 4? Indiana 'hiding in the fridge' Jones 4? Blasphemy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO well read that book
      And then it won't be so blasphemous at your nook

      Delete
    2. Not making promises over here hahaha

      Delete
    3. So your a hahaha stealer too
      No wonder you are so blue

      Delete
  28. I read that book I must admit
    It really is a piece of shit
    It rested heavy on my lap
    I say again (and again, and again) "Holy Crap"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO that was well done
      And oh so fun
      Unlike the book as you say
      Which it quite the piece of shit display

      Delete
  29. Show me one guy who likes "Sex and the city" I will show you a guy who likes "50 shades of Grey".

    To be honest, I got to agree with you, that book is such a blah, litterbox is too good for that ickyness with the book. But as a feminist I am happy with the success of the book. oops, came out wrong. :) This book is just another Mills and Boons, how did it become a bestseller, I dont know.

    hey, cheerleaders, hotstrippers, talented girls arent hot anymore. Boring,plain, lame, stupid, shapeless virgins are the trend nowadays. Thanks to Twilight and 50 shades?

    This book is nothing but American psycho - Patrick Bateman. part II.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL yeah boring virgins are the trend
      Still drives me around the bend
      Such books should take a dirt nap
      But sadly many fall into their trap

      Delete
    2. I like Sex in the City. I'm a fan of fairy tales, you see.

      Delete
    3. Well you can like that
      It's been seen too many times thanks to the gf of a former roomate by Pat

      Delete